Loving Leah
by FreeriverFalling
Summary: Sam leaves and Leah is not the same. Will she recover? Will she find love or will she imprint? This is her story.
1. The Beginning Of The End

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or anything Twilight related, only SMeyer does.**

**A/N**

**Hi guys! So this is my first FanFiction, I've had a few ideas in my head for a while but this is the first one I've written down, so I'm not sure how good it will be. (I'm pretty sure every first timer says that, is it compulsory?)**

**Alright well this is going to be Leah's story, I don't now why I chose to write her story, it just happened. This is also rated M just in case.**

**I only have the first chapter written so I'm not sure when there will be another update, I just had to publish this now, if I hadn't I might never have done it.**

**Just as a note, the Cullens probably won't feature in this story.**

**Well here we go.**

**Loving Leah.**

* * *

_He's gone, and he's not coming back. It's an unfortunate turn of events. Hah! It's a fuckery that's what it is, bullshit! I cannot hate him no matter how hard I try, because I'll always love him. He doesn't want me anymore, of course, he wants her. I don't even get an explanation for it. I'm not good enough anymore._

~~~*~~~

"Damn it Sam where have you been?! Just tell me, whatever it is I'll be there for you. I don't care what it is, I'll help you. Please."  
I'm sobbing, begging. He's distant and I see something in his eyes that's never been there before, I don't know what it is. It scares me a little, and confuses me even more. He's been gone for a few weeks now with no explanation, it's something bad I can just tell.

"Leah, I...I can't, I just can't explain. I know you want to help but it's not something you can help me with. I... I love you, I have to leave."  
He's sobbing too, I've never seen him like this.

"No, Sam, please? I need you to stay, if it's me I'll do whatever it takes, please I...I can't lose you. I love you."

"I'm sorry Leah, goodbye."

I watched him run away, with tears streaming down my face. I couldn't force him to stay, I wouldn't. I could only hope he would come back to me soon. I traipsed back towards my house and dragged myself to my bedroom, collapsing on top of the bed. It hurt like hell to watch him walk away. I closed my eyes, succumbing to the darkness. I was afraid he would never be the same, never come back. I needed to sleep, to just forget for a few hours. Of course in my time of want I would not get that, I lay awake for hours. It was impossible to sleep. A little part of me said I was being absurd, that Sam went through something but he'd be back. I was being an over-emotional girl. It was cold it my bed, I saw the sky darken, and eventually slipped into unconsciousness.

I awoke to rain peltering down onto the roof and against my window. I was used to storms, today instead of making me depressed , it comforted me. I hoped it would wash away the bad and bring something better. I reached to my side table and pulled a sketchbook from it and started drawing. I wouldn't go anywhere today unless it was Sam that asked me too. I would wait for him, for as long as it took. I idly sketched, I was fascinated with faces and bodies, everything always ended up eyes, lips and curves.  
The rain continued in varying degrees of harshness. I couldn't move from my bed, I wouldn't eat. I saw my family move about the yard occasionally. I was never bothered by them though, they knew I would not tolerate any interference from them. I loved them but sometimes I felt so agitated, so different to my normal self, and I wouldn't be able to deal with advice about Sam.

I waited, through the day and into the night. Did I expect he would come back to me in a day? No, I didn't. So I continued to wait for him. Sleeping only when I was so fatigued I could not stay awake. I ventured from my room only when it was necessary and I barely ate. I knew I should keep living, surely I was being dramatic. But I would wait, and I would find peace. My sleep was restless, it was not the same. Slowly my night turned to day and my day turned to night, sleeping was reversed.

~  
Sam,

Where are you? Are you sick, hurt, in trouble? I remember that time I got sick, I was out for days, you were so worried when you didn't hear from me or see me. I laughed at how paranoid you were, is it like that? Just call me and everything will be okay...

Leah

~  
Sam,  
Where are you? What's happening with you? If it's about the fight we had when you came back I don't care anymore about that. It was silly, just come back and we'll talk it over. I'm missing you so much. I feel stupid, but I haven't left the house since that day, I didn't want to miss you if you came back. I hope you get these letters soon, I want to see your face, look into your eyes again.

Leah

~  
Sam  
Where are you? I've been waiting so long, too long! Please come back, nothing is the same without you here. I can't sleep, I need to tell you I love you. I'm missing you so badly. I'm falling apart waiting for you to come back. I can't explain how much it hurts without you here, my chest aches, I feel stick to my stomach. I'm so empty without you. Not knowing where you are or what's happening is killing me. If I knew what was going on I could cope, I could give you time if you needed it. I would give you anything and everything I have to offer.  
I'm not handling this very well.  
I love you always.

Leah.

~*~

I learnt waiting for someone you love is torture. The pain you feel when you know something is wrong but you do not know is equal to physical torture. It truly is, if you've never experienced it I do not wish it on you. My letters were returned, no reply, and unopened.  
The night they were returned I ventured from the house for the first time in two weeks. The house was silent, everyone asleep. It was around one am, the rain had persisted through the day and into the night. Within minutes I was soaking, I couldn't feel it though, it was soothing. I wandered towards the forest bordering our house, I breached the forest and lost myself in the semi-darkness. There was a half moon tonight, the light cast eerie shadows across the trees and ground. I wandered aimlessly through the tress, occasionally passing my fingers over the ferns. My eyes adjusted to the light, but were blurry with unshed tears. My body trembled with unheard sobs.

It was then I became aware of the forest sounds, just animals and a slight breeze. Except now there was something else, louder. I wasn't afraid only curious. I walked towards the sound and was met by the cracking of a branch, a snarl and then the sight of something running through the trees, away from me.I stood frozen for several moments, breathing heavily and trying to blink away the moisture in my eyes. The adrenalin kicked it, fight or flight. I turned and ran from the forest, towards the house. I burst through the tree line continued to the house, stopping short when I saw a figure. My heart raced, my breathing never slowing down. I bent down, never taking my eyes off the figure and pulled the axe used for chopping wood from an old stump.

I walked forward, unsure of myself and my strength. I hadn't slept, I hadn't really been eating. I felt so small and weak. How much more could I take, who was this?

"Who are you? Back off. Please just go away."

"Leah, put down the axe, it's me."

"...Sam?" No, this wasn't possible. What was he doing here? I couldn't believe it. Sam, my Sam was here? I dropped the axe automatically and ran forward, if he was here I wasn't going to waste a second. I was just a few metres from him.

"Leah, stop, don't come any closer. Just stay where you are."

What was going on, what did he mean? I looked at him, trying to make sense of his words. I cocked my head to the side, something wasn't right.

"Stand right there Leah... I can't have you come any closer. There's some things that I want to explain, but I can't. I... I wish I could tell you everything but I'm not allowed, okay?"

"Sam what are you talking about? You've been missing for weeks, then you come back and we have a five minute conversation and then you're off again for another two weeks. Now you come here in the middle of the night talking riddles, I don't understand. Please just talk to me, I need to know your alright."  
I stumbled forward a few more steps just wanting to be closer to him and stopped dead. I looked at him, able to see him more clearly now. He was... different. For one he had grown, he stood, fists clenched and shoulders tensed. I'd never seen him look like this before. And his face, his eyes. They were dark, this wasn't the Sam I knew, he had changed. But why?

"Leah I can't stay long, I'm not even really meant to be here, but I owe it to you. I'm sorry about what's happening, I can't control it. I still love you of course, but I need time. I don't know how long it will take for things to be under control, I need you to be patient alright? "

"Okay." I could never refuse him.

"Alright, now why the hell were you wandering around in the forest so late?!"

"Because you weren't here, I needed to walk. I needed to breathe."

"Fine. But please don't wander into the forest anymore. I love you Leah, I'll be back soon, don't worry."

"I love you Sam" I whispered but he'd already disappeared.

~*~

I'll be back soon, don't worry.

How could I not worry? I always would when Sam was involved. But I would live my life, I couldn't handle the mourning anymore. It had been another two weeks since my midnight meeting with Sam, I was readjusting to a normal routine. My sleep was still a little bit out of rhythm, but it was getting better. I helped my Mum and Dad, my brother thought he could take up position as resident pest again, trying to make me do things with him. I was quite happy, only a small part of me was missing but I knew it was coming back eventually. I had hope, I had faith.

I no longer had school so my days were somewhat empty. I began to look at colleges though. We didn't have much money so it would have to be somewhere close. I thought about Sam then, would he go to college? Where would he go if he did? It did nothing to help fill the void in my heart, although, the thought of he and I attending the same college did make me smile. I also looked into some short art courses, would I be good enough for that? I had some skill but anything advanced I would have to practice a lot for that.

With that thought in mind I began to practice, to draw, to paint. Whenever I was inspired I would try to draw something beautiful. The days passed easily enough this way. The rain would come and go and I was constantly reminded to live by my family as they moved through their own lives.

~*~  
"Hello, Clearwater residence."

"Leah, is that you?"

"Sam?!"

"Yes it's me. Leah, god I've missed you. Can I come to your place?"

"I've missed you too Sam, yes of course you can come, you never have to ask."

"I'll be there soon."

He was coming back to me, it was what I had been waiting for, for almost a month. I felt whole again.  
I flung open the door before Sam even had a chance to knock and ran straight towards him. This time he didn't tell me to stop, he just accepted me as I launched myself into his arms. He was laughing and smiling, he looked better but I could still see some of the darkness in his eyes.

"My parents aren't home, neither is Seth, do you want to come in?" Please come in.

"Ok, yes, let's talk"

I turned, grasping Sam's hand, and walked into the living room and sat, pulling him down with me. I turned to him, just to study his face. The first thing I noticed was he'd grown, again. I was looking up to see into his eyes and he had bulked up, his body was bigger, more muscly. Again his eyes were different, not like the night of our meeting but still brooding. Something about his whole self was off but I couldn't tell what it was.  
He interrupted my staring then.

"Leah there is so much I want to tell y-"

"Sam I don-"

"Please, just let me finish. There is so many things I want to say to you, to tell you, but it's frustratingly complicated and I just can't tell you everything I want to. Something's happened it's not something I chose it's just something that happened. At first it was the worst thing that could ever have happened to me, now I don't know what to think. It's nothing bad, you don't have to worry. I know what people have been saying and it's not true. Things have changed, I'm not going anywhere. I still love you, I always will, I just can't let you get involved in this.

"O...Okay. This is so much to take in, but alright I won't ask you questions. Know this though, you can always come to me and tell me anything. I'll always be here for you and I'll always love you."  
I looked up at him and moved so I could put my arms around him, he was so hot, like he was running a fever. I ignored it though and pulled myself up so I was level with him. Looking into his eyes I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, he responded slowly and lovingly parting my lips with his. We continued like this for minutes until he broke away from me.

"I'll always love you Leah" He whispered to me.


	2. Balancing Act

**Disclamer: I do not own Twilight. I do own Twilight on DVD though! (who doesn't?)**

**Nor do I own any lyrics.**

**Yowza! Chapter two everyone, exciting... uh yeah. So this one is a bit of a rollercoaster. Hope you like it!**

**P.S - Lyrics Coldplay 'Fix You'**

**

* * *

**

_Tears stream, down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
Tears stream down your face and I...  
_

* * *

I didn't know the whole truth and I wasn't sure I wanted to. Sam had promised me it was nothing bad, but I couldn't rid myself of the feeling of foreboding. I pushed it to the back of my mind though and lived my days with relative normality. His mother was not the same though, she constantly worried about him and told me so. I wasn't around to see it but apparently Sam was disappearing frequently and coming home at all times of the night, she had tried talking to him but he'd said the same thing to her as he'd said to me. He couldn't explain. I felt terrible for her, I really did. It was even worse when Sam decided he was going to move out. He'd told her he wouldn't be going to college, and it would be better if he moved out. She was devastated and couldn't understand why he would do it. She came to me then and I talked her down from her panic, reassuring her that everything as fine and that she should trust Sam's decision. I told her I would know if anything was greatly wrong and I would tell her if anything happened. I knew I had to help Sam in convincing her of this. It was painful for him to see his mother hurt.

Sam was no longer distant with me, but what his mother had seen was true. He was disappearing and he was constantly exhausted. He would always smile and reassure me that everything was fine, I found it hard not to believe him. He rarely let me see him at his worst. He would fight it when he was around me, he would fight to be lively and not to show his fatigue. I knew him so well though, I could always see. And when he fell asleep on my couch or on my bed I would let him lie, let him recover just a little. As soon as he woke he would always apologise and try to cover his mistake. I would just walk to him and silence him by pressing my lips to his. I would let him see and feel all my love for him as my forgiveness.I saw Sam change and grow over those few months and not just physically but mentally as well. He became wiser and more mature, he seemed to be much older past his eighteen years. He was no longer a child or the reckless teenage boy I had fallen for. This wasn't much concern to me, I did not resent the change in Sam. I watched as he grew solemn and serious at times, he seemed to be deep in thought. But I also saw him lose control sometimes, it was nothing I had seen before from Sam. I saw him worked up at the most trivial things, again he would fight not let me see this side of him.

Then confusion overtook me again as he became one of the Quileute Council Elders, he had never been involved with the council before nor had I known that he had shown and initiative to become an Elder. The other Elders treated him with great respect even though he was so young. I had asked him about it, he told me they were looking for a youthful perspective for the council. Again I didn't believe he was telling me the whole truth, no one so young had ever been part of the Council before. Once again I stood by him, I would get my answers eventually. Or so I hoped, I promised myself I wouldn't become bitter about being kept in the dark.

I longed to be a part of Sam's world, to be his equal. I admit I pressured him many times to tell me what was going on. I tried to do it in a supportive manner but I could never control my temper fully and neither could he. These were some of the times he would lose control. It frightened me, it incensed me.

"Damn it Sam, you're never around, you're always tired, I don't understand! I know you've told me that you can't tell me, but this has been going on for goddamn months! When does it end? When do I get to be part of your whole life? When do I get to understand? I'm really trying here Sam, I just don't know how much more I can take!"

"Shit Leah, I can't explain, you know this! I don't know if I'll ever be able to. If you can't handle it just leave!"

"I DON'T want to leave, I WANT to understand. I want to help you if I can. You've told me it's nothing bad, but then why can't you tell me? I can't stand this or you!"  
I was raging, I couldn't handle it, I loved him but it seemed as if he didn't love me equally. I took a breath, calming my self and took a step back looking at the situation. I looked at Sam only to notice him trembling, quivering, his fists balled up and his eyes shut. He looked as if he would explode.

"Don't say anything Leah, just back off. Don't get me angry, I don't want to do anything I'll regret."

"Calm it Sam. Jeez can't you handle a little conflict?"

"LEAH, leave! NOW!"

His hand shot out punching straight into the wall, I saw the cracks appear and plaster crumble. The action startled me, I moved a fraction backwards, away from his fury.  
His dramatics did not impress me, he was acting like a child throwing a tantrum. Hitting things or throwing things. I rolled my eyes at his actions.

"Fine." I yelled at him, spinning on my heel and storming from the house, slamming the door behind me. I would leave, but I still wanted answers.

Our relationship had never been strained like this before, never had we had so many fights. We were stretched to breaking point sometimes, at other times we were completely normal. I could always tell when the changes were coming. It was never hard, I could see when Sam was at breaking point. Maybe he could see when I was too. I wasn't sure, either way neither if us tried to stop the other from snapping. I was afraid for our relationship, I loved Sam with everything I had, even more that that. I did not want it to ever end, I thought we were meant for each other. Some kind of fate. I just wasn't sure how to make things work. At times I wanted to hit him, to scream, to run from the relationship and never look back. I felt sometimes that it would be easier. There would be no secrets on my own. Then I thought of how unbearable that would be. At these other times I still wanted to scream, but scream my love for Sam and take him and hold him and love him. I wanted to make things work.

Balance. It was what we needed, but we couldn't find it. We were teetering on a precarious precipice and we couldn't find a way back from it, a way to find balance. I tired talking to Sam, I wanted peace, but he couldn't see what I saw. He admitted he hated the fighting as well, but placed no blame on me or himself. He believed it was natural though, commonplace between couples. I could never get him to talk about the problems we were having, I knew it had to relate back to his 'secret'. I was sure his anger, his stress was all part of it, but I could do nothing. I had no knowledge of what he was doing, I considered following him to find out. But I didn't want to be that kind of person...

Over those days my complacency faded and my paranoia grew. I feared what Sam was keeping from me, it became somewhat of an obsession for me. I persisted in trying to uncover his secrets. I had waited long enough for answers that I realised were never coming. I went to the Council as my first lead. Talking to Billy Black, I knew he was part of the council.

"Billy, c'mon his Mum is freaking out and I have a right to know what's going on too. Surely you know what's going on, if Sam really is on the council you should know what he knows."

"Look Leah I don't know what Sam's told you, but he's just working for the Council, nothing more. It's completely innocent."

"Oh really? If it's nothing more than that why can't Sam tell me, or you for that matter? What with it being completely innocent all all, hmm."  
I knew I had him there, I watched as he shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He was thinking fast, I was sure of it.

"Leah it's just boring Council stuff, nothing important. I don't want to send you to sleep with all that stuff."

That was it, it was a flagrant lie and we both knew it!

"Billy I'm not stupid! Council stuff, really, that's all you've got? Certainly no Council I know has their members missing for hours or out at all times of the night, what Council business involves that kind of work, work that leaves the members completely exhausted?! I'm not a fool, I'm not ignorant Billy! There's something going on here and I don't like it. I will find out what's going on. If it's hurting Sam you will have me to answer to! Do you hear me?!"

"Calm down Leah, it's nothing bad. I'm sure Sam's just not talking about it because it really is boring. All that other stuff, well, you should talk to him about it not me. That's between you and him. And honestly Leah why are you so worked up, if it's none of you business, it's none of your business"

"Shit! Fine, conversation over Billy."  
Useless old man, he was lying and I knew it. Obviously the "Council" was going to be no help. I stormed off, unaware of what would happen now, something that would hurt me greatly, because my actions had consequences.

"Leah! Why the hell did you go to see Billy about me? I told you I'm working with the Council, it's not important to you!"

"Goddamn, stupid old man. Can't keep anything to himself can he?"

"You know full well this isn't about Billy!"

"Okay lets go! You're keeping things from me, and it's clearly not Council business! I do have a right to know what's going on. STOP lying to me! This is bullshit Sam."

"I'm not lying to you, I just can't tell you everything. Damn, we just keep going around and around in circles, you won't stop questioning me about everything I do!"

It was never good when we cracked at the same time. Sam was normally the one to end things, by telling me to leave or running out. I could never understand his actions, we fought and never sorted anything out before he stopped things. I once again noticed him shaking with rage, he was almost unhinged.  
I screamed then, I was done.

"YES YOU ARE! You don't tell me anything anymore. I can't handle it anymore. Fuck you Sam, I will not deal with this anymore!"

Smash.

I watched as Sam picked up a vase and threw it against the wall, the glass splintered and exploded against the wall, glass rained down, tinkling against the floor.

"..Word." Convulsions, rage, fury.

Snap

The thin wooden line across the back of the chair Sam was holding snapped, splintering into a thousand little bits.

"Sam, stop breaking my furniture!"

"LEAH!" He screamed at me. His voice was filled with violence and something else, a warning?

I saw him look up at me, I saw the burning in his eyes. I was afraid, afraid of Sam. I had never felt this way, I was completely unsure of how to react. What could I say?

"Sam? Calm down... Please"

"Calm, calm of course. I can't really think right now... Leah? I think... I think maybe we should take a break. Have some time apart, I don't think either of us can deal with this stress anymore."

"What? No, that's not what I want." His trembling had subsided some.

"It's what I need. I'm sorry."

"Get out. GET OUT NOW! You can have your break Sam, just get out of my house!"

I saw his fury return full force, shaking his body. He turned and ran straight out of the door. I heard it slam so hard one pane of glass shattered. As soon as I was sure he was gone I sank to the floor, curling in on myself. My torture began again, hitting me harder than before. Tears streamed silently down my face as my world shattered once again and the emptiness in my heart returned. It wasn't fair that I was being put through this pain once again. The edge we'd been balancing on, well, we'd fallen. Right over the edge crashing into the unknown. I wasn't sure how we'd climb out of this one, or if we'd ever make it back to the top and find our balance again.


	3. Fallen

**A/N Just a quick chapter. I finally got inspiration, but the storyline was just going in circles, so that's why it's so short. Next chapter things will start to happen. Some people might notice a few lines that are very similar to the song 'Inside Out' by Eve 6, all credit goes to them. And the lyrics are from 'You' by Evanescence.**

* * *

_When we're together, I feel perfect  
When I'm pulled away from you, I fall apart_

Darkness, it's crushing and inescapable.  
I lay in the empty house for hours, all was still, all was quiet. I listened to my breathing go from ragged sobs to a slow steady tempo as I closed off from everything. My heart beat so fast, I listened to it echoing in my chest, I could feel it pounding through my skin, it was the only reminder that I was supposed to be living. I was not among the dead yet, but I felt as if I should be. The beat slowed until I could hear it no more, feel it no more...  
Limbs numb I dragged my self to the front door. The shattered glass mocked me with its pretty rays of sunshine, bouncing on the wall. I wanted them out of my sight, I began to gather the large pieces with haste, paying no attention to the edges. Gathered in my hand I took them and threw them angrily into the trash. Gasping, only then feeling the sting as the shards ripped themselves from my skin, I watched them fall and little drops of blood splattered over the bin. I made a small sound of annoyance in the back of my throat and watched the crimson flow down my wrist and bloom into a dark pink as it soaked into my shirt sleeve. Barely concerned I turned on the tap and let the water run over the cuts, watched the blood swirl down the sink. Fascinating, sickly.

Sitting staring at the wall waiting for the day to begin, for the day to end. I listened to the clock ticking, frustratingly slow. I wanted to rip it from the wall and smash it against the floor, proving I could stop time if I wanted to. A wry smile crossed my lips. Surely if I could stop time I could reverse it.  
That night I heard words in clips and phrases, barely conscious of the real world. My world was going in circles.

"Leah your cousin, Emily, is coming to visit."

***


End file.
